Something New

You know-
My year began in August, and ended in December.

Because up until that phone call...
I'd been on autopilot for years.

You know those moments that rock you
And leave you with no breath?
And the floor starts spinning,
And you double over in disbelief...

And you can feel the gravity pressing down on your head,
And your neck-
And your back feels like it's about to crumble?

That was one of those moments.
And it took every ounce of me to keep standing,
And I pressed up against the floor,
As my knees started to buckle--
And I succeeded;

Though my weight was yanking me down
To the floor-
Silently.

And I don't believe I've ever been stronger than in that moment-
Or in the several long
Sonnets
Of moments
That followed-

Where sadness ate hunger,
And loneliness became a friend-
And the void filled up the room...

And silence-
Had so much volume;
That it came crashing down
And made me physically ill.

And I stayed in bed for days,
Until the sheets became a part of my skin,
And my breath was every thread of navy blue-
And the fetal position
Was the closest I had to disappearing...

And I begged God to let me,
But he didn't.
And every long walk through the somber fall leaves...
Left me
Exhausted...

And my world went to sleep.


Until he came,
And light was everything-
And everywhere and all of me;
And friends
Danced along my windowpane,
And warmed my face-
Like angels-
Kissing freckles too;

And the ice that trudged into my shoes

When winter came

Was not cold enough to keep out the
Warmth,
Of this new life.

And even in the saddest seconds
Where I would think of you,
And breath would stop breathing
And emptiness ensued...

They too were quickly taken;

And I'd thank God because he saved me.

Because in those four months,
Existed every emotion of this life,
And I drank them up like dew-
Because of the desperation that had for so long
been thriving in my belly-

And all I wanted was to feel
Whatever was in front of me...


Sorrow Rage Disbelief,
Emptiness, Loneliness, Desperation,
Rage, Helplessness, Empowerment-

And life-Radiating from every inch of me.

And in my soul; and all my bones
Was reality,
Washing me,
And priming me-
And painting me with this world that I never knew-
Until that moment
Where my vase was shattered,

And I spilled onto the floor
And free of you-

And I felt

The world,
Happiness, Euphoria, and the ache of a mending wound.

And now, Looking back-
August to December is all I really knew.

Because up until my loss,
The only world I'd found-

Was the
Incredibly Intriguing,
Yet endlessly disappointing

Facade---
Of You.