I prayed for this.

Today, while I was sitting on the couch reading, cozy-with my warm fuzzy dogs at my feet; sipping tomato soup through my lips...I had a moment of realization. As I hit the chapter of Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat Pray Love" that I love the most-it made me reflect on a moment, six months ago where I was laying in bed with beads of sweat rolling down my forehead and my neck; making the back of my knee caps stick to my sheets that I fumbled around with trying to get comfortable in-ignoring the thought rolling around inside my head that was making me want to cry out to God-or yell at him in a state of extreme rage.

Gilbert has an experience that is similar to this in the beginning of her book. She's living in New York in suburbia with the perfect house, the perfect husband, and the perfect career-something many women; many people, would envy-or look up to...or assume that she would and should be happy with.
Still, on this night, she's curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor-crying over the fact that she's not happy; that she's not in love with her husband anymore...that she's 31, and should want to have children...but can't dream of a nightmare any worse.
Repeatedly...she thinks to herself "I don't want to be married anymore..."
It haunts her because she feels she should be grateful...she's been successful in all the ways that the world sees success but her spirit is broken and her soul is empty.
At the end of the chapter...she starts to pray (for what seems like the first time) to God. She acknowledges that all the things that may look "right" in her life...and are "supposed" to bring her happiness-fall short compared to what LIZ actually wants; what is actually right for her.
Throughout the book she journeys through three countries to break away from what has happened, to fulfill her soul and learn about herself. And because of this book I am inspired to do some similar exploring, as best I can-right here at home.

That night for me, was miserable...in my head I knew that God was calling me to do greater things than what I was filling myself and my time with. Angrily, I fought Him. I tossed and turned and hot tears streamed down my face...and I was livid; that my plans had not worked out for myself. I am a huge planner...and in many ways...I felt like I already had it taken care of, even my life beyond high school. I was determined to be with the person I was choosing whether we were right for each other or not. It didn't matter that I'd lost myself along the way...pining for he and his friends acceptance, or forgetting things I loved (like Gilbert did) like God, family, friends, writing, art and just giggling like crazy. It didn't matter that I wasn't Jade anymore...because I had him and everyone was quick to say I was making the right choice even though I knew in my soul something was wrong.
It's the craziest thing in the world when that happens-when heart and head go fist to fist and you don't want to accept the fact that what you THOUGHT you wanted doesn't REALLY fit your SOUL...and what you NEED is one step away...one step that takes a million miles to reach.
And I loved him.
Liz says it well...something to the effect of "I loved him and couldn't be with him him equally..."

It was the hardest decision I've ever made-and I'm sure, by now, it's stolen every tear my body has been able to produce.
I miss him always. I do believe that I've never loved anyone like I loved him-
or perhaps...like I loved the idea of him.
But the first thing I will admit, is that I have often sold out that girl that had the courage to leave...just because I often lay in bed at night missing him. I look at all the good now...instead of choosing to remember that night-where it took God fighting me to convict me, and make me realize-I couldn't LIVE that way anymore. That even in the good times...I wasn't really HAPPY; because I had lost myself-in searching for him...I lost myself down so far and so deep there was no way to go but out to truly find and be able to BE MYSELF again.
We weren't meant to be.
I just wanted, and often still wish...
We had been.

Either way-
The prayer I prayed that night was direct...and real.
It took everything in me to utter the words that I said:

:"GOD PLEASE-
Give me the strength to leave him, to not love him anymore...I can't find him anymore...and I can't find YOU anymore. GOD PLEASE...give me the strength leave. Prepare his heart, because mine is breaking at the thought of it. GOD PLEASE...if we are not right-build walls...because I love him too much to escape this. GOD PLEASE give me the strength to leave...the right words to say...if this is not right. God please change my will...make him right for me...I love him God PLEASE! GOD PLEASE DO IT FOR ME! I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T! I CAN'T! I CAN'T!"



I think in so many ways we follow our brains instead of our hearts. Our souls always tell the truth. It is our job to listen.

I love you today.
I love you tomorrow.
I am certain I will always love you.

But I had to do this,
To feel God again,
To feel me again.
And to give you the chance to feel too.


And even though I miss you every moment...

Today I acknowledge that I did the right thing. Maybe just for today...maybe for a lifetime...maybe only until tomorrow remains this truth that we were supposed to be apart. We both have places to grow...and wounds to heal and our own selves to complete.

I pray that you complete yours to the fullest.
I hope you've learned as much as I have.
You still have my heart.

But today...I know we must travel alone. And I can no longer ignore the fact that...

I asked for freedom...and in freedom there is always the pain of growth; but I KNOW GOD-and he WILL make it worth it in the end. That was HIS promise...when he fought me that night.
And the truth is-


Whether I want to admit it or not-


I prayed for this.