I did something

Yesterday,
That I am quite proud of.
I stopped myself before making a huge mistake.

I decided I wanted to take my life back
As we pulled on to
24th and Robinson.

I decided-
I wanted to take my job back.

I mean it was my job first-
I worked there before both of them did.

And I valued my job more than he ever has.
I loved the people there,
And how it made me feel.
It was something mine-
That I could be proud of.

And the fact that something terrible has happened,
Should not keep me from pursuing the things that I want.

So I went-
And I applied.

My friends were so excited!
And so was I-

I thought I was doing a good thing;
I felt accomplished,
Like for a moment-
I could control the situation,
And being in control-

Meant not being intimidated by them.

I could picture it in my head-
Just smiling and being sweet;
Even in the face of them.
Keeping composure,
Not being sick to my stomach-
Just
Being Jade.

But the truth is...
The decision was rash,
And my gut knew that was not realistic.
It was just what I wanted to believe...

And I'm so over going with what I want to believe-
Instead of what I actually believe but can't accept.

Did I really want to go back for the right reasons?

It was a great job-yes,
But,
Ecclesiastes says everything has a season-
And God has made it clear everything about that season
Of my life is over.

Was the job really that great?
Or was it just looking better all the time-
Due to spite?

Then I realized-
It is impossible-
In this situation,
To not have a spite slithering around in my belly.

And that's not good enough for me.

That is what separates me-from them.

No actions out of spite are justified.
And I cannot accept the feeling of spite in my own life.

I refuse.

So-
If the call comes this week-
I'm going to have to tell them no.
Which will be hard...
Because I love all of them so much.

But going back is impossible-
It's like forcing the hands of fate.
And I'm tired of fighting fate.


If I run into him...
I want it to be because God put him in my path
By fate
Not by my hand,
Not by force.

And some part of me would be going back
Just to see his eyes everyday...
Hoping he'd give me release by saying
The one thing I
Begged him on the phone that night to say:


"No Jade...I don't love you anymore."