Slowly and again-

I can feel myself slipping further and further back down into my couch. I don't know how it happens. One moment I'm on cloud nine, feeling empowered and hopeful; over it, even. Then the next...I dream of your scent, and wake up with my face buried in my pillow...only smelling mine; without you.
And some nights-
I swear I'm suffocating. And I wake up, and my chest is tight-my jaw is clenched and there is nothing but sweat on my neck and warm tears seeping out of my eyes and drenching my cheeks. And on those nights-desperation floods my head and every inch of my heart; my soul, my body-every ounce of me. And I am tempted so badly at two a.m. to call you and grovel again- not for words, but just to hear your breath on the other end.
And I remember that night I did and how it led me nowhere. Because you are a coward and I am a fool. And the words "I love you" did not come-but the words "I don't," never arrived either and...what I would have done for the second? Anything.
With every fiber I long to hear those words sever me...and shatter me. Because then I can mend myself-but the anticipation in my stomach burns holes through me; and I can not see straight in longing for words I will never hear and answers I will never know.
And my soul was in every ounce of the words I poured into your cup; and with no air I begged at your feet to breath into me. But you did not. You took my words, and took her in. And I couldn't conceive of how you could be hers if I am still yours.
And I am.
But because you don't want me, and this couch does-it's where my loyalty lies when I'm not strong enough to beg you anymore. It cradles my head after I'm tired of groveling my fingers to forget the way your hair felt between them and your lips felt on my skin-and the way you smelled on summer nights; when I was everything to you.

And you gave me up so easily...
For someone else...
But I'm not that strong.

And while you use her as a crutch because you're too afraid to find yourself and follow your heart-
I'll use this couch.
And who knows...maybe if I pray hard enough,
I'll disappear.