Dear God,

Thank you for
Clear nights
Good friends
And a beautiful family.

Thanks for the suprise today;
It meant the world to me!

So I'm laying here

In this bed
And I can't sleep
And I miss Zac tonight-
And that never happens anymore
Because he's the last thing I
Try to think about.

It only brings me down...

But sometimes-
In the quiet
Night.
Breath leaves me-
And I can't avoid it.
I remember the way his
Hands felt in mine;

The way he smelled-
His laugh.
And for a moment I forget
That the person I'm
Wishing I could hold,
Is the person who
Does nothing but
Hate me,
And want to break me.

I love

Girls' nights
With Cici.
She's my best friend ever.
I love her!

Why can't

I just have normal skin?

That doesn't pick random moments to hate me,

And embarrass me terribly?

I would trade my pretty feet for normal skin.

And my cool irises.

Ulagh.

I am. Disgusting.

I wish you

Would ask me to.
I would if you would ask me to.

What I want

I want country music, and stars.
I want the soft glow of the lake
And crickets humming sacred sonnets in the grass.

I want chocolate milk, and warm brownies-
I want a porch swing.

I want the clacking of shutters
When the wind blows,
And the songs of soft spring showers
Leaving whispers on a tin roof.

I want,
Tranquility,
Curled up
With you-
Under a flannel blanket,
On the sofa.

I want your laugh.
And the sounds of your fingers
Touching guitar strings.

I want a cluttered pantry-
And my favorite pair of Levis.
I want to argue with you,
Passionately...
And love you up
After we've forgotten what we're fighting about.

I want the sound of laughter
To wrap its arms around me-
And whisper forever in my ears.

I want to bathe in
Lavender bath salts,
And have footy pajamas to
Fall asleep in.

I want a bird feeder,
And a bird bath,
And a garden.

I want a wrap around porch,
And to feel the morning under my feet-
When I wake up-
Early enough to catch the sunrise-
While you're catching fish.

I want your hands,
And your voice,
And your curls-
And the way you smell;
To touch my finger tips,
And hold my head at night.

I want to dance with you
And feel the grass underneath my feet,
And see nothing-
But you-
And Oklahoma night skies.

I want to taste home in my
Lemonade,
And breathe it in as it glides in
Off the water.

I want to learn
How to do brave things,
Like use a shotgun,
Change a tire-
And hang up on my father.

I want you,
To use your hands to show me.

I want to spend Christmases with
Your family,
And mine...
And so much family...
That we take up two dining rooms.

And I want-
An apple tree,
That I can make pies from,
And an apricot tree-
To make jelly.

And I want to feel you there,
In your pickup truck-
That smells like leather
And good cologne;
That feels like home.

I want...
Love that is the forever kind-
With you.

Jade the Flower

I am Jade the flower.
I am vibrant,
And beautiful,
Happy and alive,
Imperfect,
Brave,
Elegant,
Goofy,
Exciting
And
Brilliant.
I like politics,
And coffee.
I know how to pick out a good book.
I'd much rather have a pair of Levis,
Than a pair of designer anythings.
I love cowboy boots,
And acoustic guitars,
And feeling acrylic paint gush
Between my fingers.

I lose in love terribly,
And often.

I rebuild myself
With lofthouse cookies
And bubble baths.

I have OCD,
And must have everything in it's place...
I deliberately keep a messy room,
Just to deny the severity of my disorder.

And sometimes, it makes it hard to sleep at night-
Do to the clutter,
And chaos.

I have a hard time embracing myself...
But would like to as a new years resolution.

I wear a size ten.
And I feel prettier than when
I wore a size four.

I have a great butt.
I really do.
But you'd never know it-
Because I don't wear anything that fits.

I'd rather be comfortable.

I dream of having two english bulldogs
Someday-
A boy and a girl.
Fred and Ethel.

Sometimes,
I have dreams
Where I am naked in public places,
And it makes me
Wish...
I could be naked in a public place.

I could live off of chocolate milk.
And when I had my wisdom teeth
Taken out-
I did for three days.

I have been in the love that they write
Books about.
And even that heartbreak...
Was worth the world to me.

I have said "I love you,"
And lied so well-
That even I believed it.

I have been a bitch.
And said horrible things-
That no one should ever hear,
That would make your hair curl;
That would make time stop.

I believe in homeland defense.
And I would vote Bush over Obama.

I hate Nutsi Pelosi,
And The Beatles.
And liars.

I have accepted that my father and I
Will never be friends,
But that's okay-
Because I have my Poppy,
And he's more of a man then
Ten of the strongest,
Smartest,
Men combined.

Sometimes,
I get a wild hair-
And want to join the Marines
And go to war.

I would fight if drafted,
I would want a flamethrower.

I am 5'2
And I'm shaped like a boy.

But I always smell
Like the deepest breaths of Autumn-
Like home.
Amber, and Japanese Cherry Blossom.

I love fancy boxer shorts.
And socks.
And pajamas-

And I hate the word
"Panties"
It is such a pansy word.

I love Christ like a friend.
We've been through everything together.
I believe,
You can sit in church your whole life
And never know God.
I found Christ,
Under a quilt;
While I was in the fetal position.
I find Christ,
In every brush stroke;
In my back yard.

We've fought together.
We've cried together.
We've celebrated together.
And in everything-
He is my savior.

I like to gamble.
But I'm bad at it.
I used to gamble with Kyle.
But that was before it
Happened.

It being the best thing that ever happened to me.

I've found cutting losses
Helps growth
And silence has more power
Than bullets.

I will run for governor someday.
And if God wills-
I will win.

And when I do...
I won't live in the Governor's mansion,
But out in the country-
In a house,
With a tin roof-
A wrap around porch...
And the smell of him to
To wrap up in.

That's another thing.
I love him.
And he doesn't see me yet-

But he will.
I'm not one of those girls...
But I am Jade the flower.
And that's all I ever want to be.

I have a new

list of goals and resolutions that I have to start before the new year.
I think they are things I should have taken care of years ago, but until now-have never really had the courage to try to achieve them.
There are the obvious ones that I write down every year-that everyone writes down every year, but these are the ones that need to happen; ones that go deeper than "losing ten pounds" or always vowing to wash behind your ears.
These are mine.


1. Find God.
2. Stop trying to control my life
3. Learn how to trust people
4. Stop being afraid of love
5. Look at the bright side when plans fail
6. Learn how to have faith
7. Be a better friend
8. Listen more, talk less
9. Don't make promises that I can't keep
10. Stop wasting time on people that will never love me, and celebrate the ones that do.
11. Find courage
12. Learn how to turn off the cell phone
13. Start taking bubble baths
14. Let Go.

What I love about you...

I love, the way your hands look-when they are on the steering wheel, and the way you look over at me, in the passenger seat, when we talk-like I'm somebody. And when your eyes meet mine-they are all I need; every color, every blue and green and brown, and they bring me to life. And I want to stand there and explore them, until I'm so close to you that I kiss your lips...accidentally.
And I love...your curls, and the way they come to life around your face, underneath your hat and how soft you are; like home. Your hands could swallow mine if you held them, and I would let you if you reached for them, and I wish you would.
And you don't put words where words are not needed. Your lips say everything when they are closed and smiling at me.
And when we laugh-we laugh hard, and it's real, and I feel it in every inch of me; reminding me that I still can laugh, and you're the only person I want to laugh with. And the sadness is gone, and it's like it was never there in the first place.
Your laugh is soft like a whisper or a heartbeat. And when I catch my reflection as I listen to it-I see how much softer, and brighter and alive I look; and my eyes glow, and I am beautiful with you.
If I could just stand there-and breath you in...that'd be all I ever need, because your smell-makes my heart hum and my cheeks blush and my lips curve into a smile. And I adore you...just being with me.
I love your character; how you work for everything you get...and you don't take advantage of the people that love you. I love how you love God like a friend, and it shows in everything you do. I love how every time you look at your Mom your brow gets soft and it's like you haven't seen her in days...and you embrace her. I love how you value your family-how they come first with you...
Your simplicity is like a song that I want to let surround me.

I love you naively, with no expectations, no worries-
All I need is you, and me-in the passenger seat.

And in this passionate unrequited love...

I love how you bring me pieces of myself
that I never knew
were missing.

And so...

it ended.

As all good things do.

On to the next set of dashed hopes...

God,

please help me understand through and through, the things I don't want to accept-and overcome them.
Help me
Give you
Total control-
Help me let you wreck my plans
And give me something so much greater-
In yours.

Help me let go of what I want-
So you can give me what I need.

Kicking Over Sandcastles

This morning, I sit in contemplation, as always-analyzing everything; picking situations apart until they are lifeless.

I keep forgetting to take my herbal supplements that curve my OCD, to where my brain calms down like I've bathed it in red wine and I can smile and everything is right with the world.

I secretly hate them. I really do, AND I hate how relieved I feel when I take them-it's like I'm telling myself "Here Jade, take your NORMALCY pills-I'm saving you from being a total monster without them."

Am I a monster without them?

I hate them.

I feel like...if this is my brain, taking any sort of herbs or medication is lying. That's dumb, I KNOW. Everyone looks at me weird when I say that, but I don't want to paint an excellent picture for people when in the end...all they end up with is me.

PAUSE TO BASK IN HOW WARPED THAT IS.

onward.

I don't want anyone to expect that I'm good, because in reality...I'm a complete basket case. That's the truth. That's MY secret.

Or maybe it's not. Maybe MY secret is that I'm wonderful and I can love you...until I have no love left in my body...I'm just afraid to,

and if I can act like a basket case, and have justification for it-because of my "disorder," people won't want to get close to me. People won't want to come in and kick my sand castles over...just like they always do.

If I can maneuver and make relationships fail before they start...then I don't have to worry about the bottom falling out when people leave-because they always do.

I think it's easier to live life in this box than to love people the way that I love people.

When I fall in love...with people...it's never good. I give my whole heart away like a child-I fall fast. I am naive...and in order for the relationship to succeed; I over compensate for all the things they DON'T do...because I just want them to stay with me-even if I'm miserable with them, like I was with Zac.

All I really wanted-was for him to stay.

So to keep him there-I would call...I would plan, I would say the romantic things. IT WAS MY JOB-I was doing what it took to keep OUR relationship alive. I gave up everything to make him love me. I gave until giving ran out...three years later. And look at the respect that got me in return. Here's some dirty laundry for ya'-

he's dating someone I thought was one of my best friends.

But I'm passed the point of surprises. That is what is even more sad. I don't expect anything more from people than to mutilate my heart. I've lost a LOT of faith in love...and have been hiding out; protecting my soul from any meat grinders lately.

What is so disturbing about this, is I've always been a worrier-but never so dependent on others for happiness.

I feel like after my Dad left, I just PINE for people's approval. I will put myself through the ringer just for a nod of the head, or a smile.

I am pathetic.

And then...there are certain people, that come in, and take my breath away...

and it's as if, the second faith enters-

I build a web of questions and expectations

to trap it, and kill it.

I am the most complicated person you've ever met.

And he'd be crazy to even consider loving me back.

Because he's the most peaceful person I've

ever seen.

My name is Jade

And I'm happy.

I wish I was still

Next to you,

Watching you smile,

Laughing with you-

Smelling you;

Aching for you to see-

Just how badly I was wishing for you,

To wish for me.

I can't wait

To be with you today.

I'm counting down the hours until I can see you.

I guess

You just move me that way.

Somtimes...

Sometimes what you thought makes you

happy-

turns out to be wrong...

And you find, what really makes you HAPPY...

Was there all along...

The Guitars at Gilliam

Are not for Doug to Touch.

I beg it not to be this way...

But then I beg it to...

And when I look at you,

And your curls,

I ache to wrap myself

In a new adventure...

Where passion is right

And real-

And in motion when

All the stars are still.

And wrapped up

In you-

I want to be courageous;

In love,

And brave.

And my heart begs

That loving you be the right way-

Though my head maps out all

The possibilities of failure.

Like it does

Always...

As if it expects the bottom to fall out...

But I guess it always has--

Meanwhile knowing that,

When my eyes trace your fingertips

And your arms,

And your neck

And your mouth-

I feel right again-

Like before all this happened.

And your

Blue

Ocean

Eyes

Fill me up like water

And wash all the sad away.

And it's my eyes that you look into-

Not this other person's

That I've been running from-

In my own room.

Mine-

And it's my ambition you see-

Not his, or theirs.

Me.

The dreamer.

And in these forevers,

Was the certainty that there was something

Broken

In me-

Because I couldn't feel the wind

On the back of my neck-

Or the sun kissing the freckles on my cheeks.

But when I can stand close to you-

My chest next to your

Arms,

And my stomach next to your hips-

I can breathe you, in secret

And fall in love with your lips

And your smile-

And

I'm home...

Again-

Finally.

And everything broken-

Mends.

Amazing Alyssa

Alyssa is the friend that suprises me the most. I can always count on her to say the most unexpected, funniest thing anyone can think of.

Sweet, blinky, and beautiful-no one would ever expect the suprises she always has in store. Real and genuine; I could depend on her for anything, especially to tell the truth.

She is graceful, and wonderful in everything she does.

Her smile is exciting and brilliant!

She is trustworthy and honest; dependable, comical-wonderful!

She fits with us perfectly; like a puzzle piece!

I would be so much less me, without-her.

My darling Doug

My Doug is one of the sweetest people I know. He is 14, he's our baby, and we love him.

Even though Doug is the youngest, he's the bravest out of all of us. He gives his heart away when he falls in love, he is not afraid to feel things from his nose to his toes.

He is light-hearted and real.

And when he laughs, my heart beats faster.

His young sweet spirit keeps us alive. He's like a breath of fresh air. And he is wise beyond his years.

He is soft, and simple, and he calls to make sure your heart is okay. He has so much to offer, and brings joy to my soul every day. Anyone who has Doug's love...will be lucky.

And I am lucky...because I have him.

My soul sister Cici

Cici is my soulmate.

I can't explain how close to my heart she is, because there are no words.

She is the friend who's hugs I love the most. And I love to see her smile.

She is by far, the strongest person I know; she's like a warrior princess-fierce, strong, beautiful and full of light.

When it seems like there is no hope in love left...or when I lose sight of who I am, or when I cannot grasp my self worth, I look at her and how she loves me, and I know that I am special.

Always wide-eyed and excited; she captivates people. She's short, like me, and everyone asks if we are related.

Sometimes I think we are the same person.

She is a much younger, yet much older version of myself.

In some ways-I take her under my wing, because I'm the oldest, like a big sister; and I think I have it all figured out.

But in so many ways, she teaches me how to live and never lose joy in the world...

and most importantly-

to never lose faith in others.

Her wisdom is beautiful, and her words are always there to build me up.

Her love is the greatest love. It is sacrificial; it expects nothing in return. And she is loyal. No one can keep a secret like Cici can.

The best nights are when Jon and I are sitting around the campfire with her, listening to her music.

It's those nights,

when we are filled with cool air, night stars, and acoustic guitar...

that I feel the closest to God.

And I am so lucky that He's given me...

a miracle

like her.

She is my soul sister.

My best friend Jon

My best friend Jon Quiver is the most dependable person that I know. He's always on call-and he's always at the door any time the sadness comes and it's too hard to handle.

I'm convinced that God sent him to me, because I needed someone that would sit with me, when I haven't showered in days and my face is stained with mascara from tears; someone to tell me that I am beautiful even without brushing my teeth...in all my moments of imperfection.

Jon is perfect that way though. Even though he plays around a ton and says outlandish things; he is one

of the most accepting people that I know. I think one thing that a lot of people don't see about Jon is his depth. He's so goofy and sometimes his mouth gets the best of him. But in quiet moments, when we're all alone...star-gazing, or sitting on the couch-he'll say something simple and real, and it will be the most profound thing you've ever heard.

His family, is my family, and mine is his...and when I'm at his house I'm home and I don't have to live up to any expectations. I am cradled in love.

And when we go places...

We have fun. Jon makes me laugh like no one else.


And we never fight. People would be suprised...because both of our personalities are so big. But I think when you're as close as we are...there's nothing to fight about. We pick at each-other. We put each-other in our places. But we never talk down to each-other. We always construct...we never tear each-other up. We're too good for that.


In ten years...

nomatter where I am...I know he'll be right there with me.

I know people say that...and this time last year, I thought my friends


were the forever kind. But this time...it's different.

We are the type of friends that don't need anything but each-other's presence.

We can sit and paint without speaking for hours on end...and we're still having the time of our lives.

We don't HAVE to get dressed up to see each-other.

No makeup.

No showers.

Just reality and truth.

And in everything...




We are there for each-other...nomatter how small the jam.

We spot each-other without question.

We buy each-other ice cream and air fresheners.

We comfort each-other after a bad day.

We help each-other clean.

And we play for comic relief...

in the street and the parking lot...and in Target...

like children. We scream. And chase

each-other. And we laugh. laugh. laugh...together.

We battle Christmas shopping crowds at the mall...

And traffic...

lost love...

and loneliness.

We have all we need when we are together.

He is the light of my heart.

He is my best friend.

Thank God

for clear nights, good friends and Spaghetti noodles.


At the end of every journey there is a lesson. At the end of every heartbreak...there is a reward.

At the end of my tunnel-
I found

love...

The love in my life; I've been looking for.

Let's Start...

A Revolution...

Something mine.

Tonight...God gave me the answer to some burning questions that have been causing my heart grief for a long time now.

He gave me...a miracle-a chance to go back in time, and visit my old life.

When the call came, I was weak kneed at the thought of going and standing in all of the same rooms where I once stood-back when your arms embraced me. It terrified me to think that I'd be standing there-this time; without you. But I had to do it. And when I got there-nothing and everything had changed.

Where once was laughter that filled me to the brim and certainty that I could not BE any happier, was a new perspective; a new vision of truth. And I was finally able to see why even in the celebration of "friendship", I was so lonely...while even in the throes of the most whole-hearted giggling, I was empty; my head was always on the chopping block...and what I thought was love was a constant search for approval. I saw how maybe all that joy that once filled those walls, was just a stepping stone to lead me here...here-to real HAPPINESS; to real friendship...to truth.

The people that I thought held my whole heart-were just the key that unlocked the door...to finding me and realizing I deserve more. I had to LOVE them with everything I am so that they could DESTROY everything I was. They presented the choice to me...to love myself and find greater; to respect myself, or to settle-and always be talked over the top of, ignored-and never REALLY appreciated.

I always griped about being "just his girlfriend," and obviously they listened-because they gave me the CHOICE to be Jade without them.

As I sat on the couch with them, where we used to laugh and you'd grab my hands and kiss me on the cheeks-I realized...that couch is really, only good enough for ONE person. It is no longer, nor will ever be again- good enough for me.

In the realization that, had you not been on a date with her tonight-you would have been in the seat I was sitting in-with her next to you...and I wouldn't have been lucky enough to have been "summoned;" I strongly thought about leaving. Why they chose me to come-I don't know. And I was once again a slave to what they wanted, because it's always been, 'as long as you are gone-they don't mind doing ME the favor of calling.' Maybe it makes them feel special-to do a doormat a favor. I really don't know. But I went.

And that couch...is only good enough...for you.
You stayed behind, in our past and just stuck another puzzle piece in my spot. And because no one in that group has any identity-or soul, everyone went with it. You mirror eachother. And in that house, on that couch that is never changing; you find security. I didn't. I took the hard road...and while I thought everyone ELSE had changed I realized...no.

I was the one that changed. I needed more than that.

I didn't rush into anyone's arms. I fell, by the grace of God into the hands of new friends that love me FOR ME; people that would be at my house nomatter what time of night if I needed them; people that love my family as their own...who don't just sit outside and honk because I'm taking too long to come out and they are too lazy to come inside and make any effort to REALLY KNOW me at all.

NOW
I have campfire nights. I have guitar. I have art.

I have truth. I have beauty. I have me.

I HAVE GOD.

I am no charity case.
I need no mercy, no pity-no favors.

And I couldn't help but wish terribly, as I was sitting there (once again-forgotten about)

'I wish I was curled up on Jon's goosedown...with my REAL friends.'

You clung to safety and what was familiar. I was abandoned and chose to follow a new road.

Tonight everything was worth it-

and I know now that not only can I never go back-I would never want to.

That is just another one of your worthless dreams that I lost myself in chasing...

And I'd never give up what I have now for what I had then, because I am filled with things that are WORTH my time...

And they are something...actually mine.

My name is Jade and I am

FEARLESS

..."tawanda."

Today is

The last day
I maybe

Might

Run into you.


It's the last day...
Of any real possible encounter.

Of eye contact.

This is the last day
Til Freedom

If I could have

A face transplant
I would.

I would take away all my scars
And freckles
And fat cheeks
And button nose

And give it away for something better

Like a slender profile
Pouty lips
And long eyelashes...

Perfect skin-

And eyes that always glow
With suprise
And hope.

I would take this face off
And give it to anyone else.

I wouldn't subject anyone to this though.

This office

Is cold
And the humidifier is buzzing.
And I'm wondering how I'm going
To cover up
The fact that I didn't follow directions.
How I called anyway
Despite what I was told-
How when I did
I felt the knife twist deep
Inside my chest
And how
You-broke all my pride
And I scrambled to pick
It
Up
Off the floor.

And when he asks me how it was-
Or how I'm coping-
I will fiddle with my thumbs and
Say
I'm fine.

And try to bury it deeper-
Because maybe if I don't have To talk about it;
It's like it never really happened.
And maybe I can move forward

Instead of spinning around in
Circles.

Best Friends

I don't

really want to go today.

I don't want to talk.

I don't want to admit anything.

I don't want to feel guilty.

I just want to curl up in bed

And sleep.

And take a bath.

And listen to John Mayer.

Dear 12:31,

This is the latest I've stayed up in awhile-
By choice.

Worries hushed-

I write to you.
And ask you

Not just for love-
But Love that takes your breath
Away
After the dance
On a cold night.

That wraps you up
With sighs
And the beating of one's heart.

Soft breaths-

No words.
Just a whisper between lips...

And stars.

I hate wishing you were

Who I wish you are.

My oh my,
How my hopes are always dashed

When I'm pining for light;
And people keep me spinning.

It's like I'm lost
In between what is real
And what is fake.

Who is genuine,
And who is full of lies.
And all I want to do is curl up

Under a blanket-
So small,
Until I disappear.

I wonder if God does that?
I'm sure it's a tall order...
But if he would
It'd be all I'd ask for.

It seems more possible than not.
And when I tuck my knees
Up to my chest...

And close my eyes tight...

It's almost like
I really can feel myself
Getting smaller.

Some people...

use names. I don't have to.

"You are gone...

Not for good,
But for now-
But gone for now...
Feels a a lot like gone for good..."
-The Fray

I wish I had

A love letter-
To keep me up tonight;
To make me have something to
Dream of,
Or inspire me to write.
And it wouldn't matter who it
Was from,
I'd never have to know-
In fact I'd rather the mystery;
Than this loneliness
Draining me so-
I wish I had a love letter
That was signed with something More-
Than the kind of fingers
That touch your mouth;
Then leave you lonelier
Than before.

This is my Letter to the World

That never wrote to Me-
The simple News that Nature told
With tender Majesty

Her Message is committed
To Hands I cannot see -
For love of Her,
Sweet countrymen
Judge tenderly-of Me.

-Dickinson