Kicking Over Sandcastles

This morning, I sit in contemplation, as always-analyzing everything; picking situations apart until they are lifeless.

I keep forgetting to take my herbal supplements that curve my OCD, to where my brain calms down like I've bathed it in red wine and I can smile and everything is right with the world.

I secretly hate them. I really do, AND I hate how relieved I feel when I take them-it's like I'm telling myself "Here Jade, take your NORMALCY pills-I'm saving you from being a total monster without them."

Am I a monster without them?

I hate them.

I feel like...if this is my brain, taking any sort of herbs or medication is lying. That's dumb, I KNOW. Everyone looks at me weird when I say that, but I don't want to paint an excellent picture for people when in the end...all they end up with is me.

PAUSE TO BASK IN HOW WARPED THAT IS.

onward.

I don't want anyone to expect that I'm good, because in reality...I'm a complete basket case. That's the truth. That's MY secret.

Or maybe it's not. Maybe MY secret is that I'm wonderful and I can love you...until I have no love left in my body...I'm just afraid to,

and if I can act like a basket case, and have justification for it-because of my "disorder," people won't want to get close to me. People won't want to come in and kick my sand castles over...just like they always do.

If I can maneuver and make relationships fail before they start...then I don't have to worry about the bottom falling out when people leave-because they always do.

I think it's easier to live life in this box than to love people the way that I love people.

When I fall in love...with people...it's never good. I give my whole heart away like a child-I fall fast. I am naive...and in order for the relationship to succeed; I over compensate for all the things they DON'T do...because I just want them to stay with me-even if I'm miserable with them, like I was with Zac.

All I really wanted-was for him to stay.

So to keep him there-I would call...I would plan, I would say the romantic things. IT WAS MY JOB-I was doing what it took to keep OUR relationship alive. I gave up everything to make him love me. I gave until giving ran out...three years later. And look at the respect that got me in return. Here's some dirty laundry for ya'-

he's dating someone I thought was one of my best friends.

But I'm passed the point of surprises. That is what is even more sad. I don't expect anything more from people than to mutilate my heart. I've lost a LOT of faith in love...and have been hiding out; protecting my soul from any meat grinders lately.

What is so disturbing about this, is I've always been a worrier-but never so dependent on others for happiness.

I feel like after my Dad left, I just PINE for people's approval. I will put myself through the ringer just for a nod of the head, or a smile.

I am pathetic.

And then...there are certain people, that come in, and take my breath away...

and it's as if, the second faith enters-

I build a web of questions and expectations

to trap it, and kill it.

I am the most complicated person you've ever met.

And he'd be crazy to even consider loving me back.

Because he's the most peaceful person I've

ever seen.