Something mine.

Tonight...God gave me the answer to some burning questions that have been causing my heart grief for a long time now.

He gave me...a miracle-a chance to go back in time, and visit my old life.

When the call came, I was weak kneed at the thought of going and standing in all of the same rooms where I once stood-back when your arms embraced me. It terrified me to think that I'd be standing there-this time; without you. But I had to do it. And when I got there-nothing and everything had changed.

Where once was laughter that filled me to the brim and certainty that I could not BE any happier, was a new perspective; a new vision of truth. And I was finally able to see why even in the celebration of "friendship", I was so lonely...while even in the throes of the most whole-hearted giggling, I was empty; my head was always on the chopping block...and what I thought was love was a constant search for approval. I saw how maybe all that joy that once filled those walls, was just a stepping stone to lead me here...here-to real HAPPINESS; to real friendship...to truth.

The people that I thought held my whole heart-were just the key that unlocked the door...to finding me and realizing I deserve more. I had to LOVE them with everything I am so that they could DESTROY everything I was. They presented the choice to me...to love myself and find greater; to respect myself, or to settle-and always be talked over the top of, ignored-and never REALLY appreciated.

I always griped about being "just his girlfriend," and obviously they listened-because they gave me the CHOICE to be Jade without them.

As I sat on the couch with them, where we used to laugh and you'd grab my hands and kiss me on the cheeks-I realized...that couch is really, only good enough for ONE person. It is no longer, nor will ever be again- good enough for me.

In the realization that, had you not been on a date with her tonight-you would have been in the seat I was sitting in-with her next to you...and I wouldn't have been lucky enough to have been "summoned;" I strongly thought about leaving. Why they chose me to come-I don't know. And I was once again a slave to what they wanted, because it's always been, 'as long as you are gone-they don't mind doing ME the favor of calling.' Maybe it makes them feel special-to do a doormat a favor. I really don't know. But I went.

And that couch...is only good enough...for you.
You stayed behind, in our past and just stuck another puzzle piece in my spot. And because no one in that group has any identity-or soul, everyone went with it. You mirror eachother. And in that house, on that couch that is never changing; you find security. I didn't. I took the hard road...and while I thought everyone ELSE had changed I realized...no.

I was the one that changed. I needed more than that.

I didn't rush into anyone's arms. I fell, by the grace of God into the hands of new friends that love me FOR ME; people that would be at my house nomatter what time of night if I needed them; people that love my family as their own...who don't just sit outside and honk because I'm taking too long to come out and they are too lazy to come inside and make any effort to REALLY KNOW me at all.

NOW
I have campfire nights. I have guitar. I have art.

I have truth. I have beauty. I have me.

I HAVE GOD.

I am no charity case.
I need no mercy, no pity-no favors.

And I couldn't help but wish terribly, as I was sitting there (once again-forgotten about)

'I wish I was curled up on Jon's goosedown...with my REAL friends.'

You clung to safety and what was familiar. I was abandoned and chose to follow a new road.

Tonight everything was worth it-

and I know now that not only can I never go back-I would never want to.

That is just another one of your worthless dreams that I lost myself in chasing...

And I'd never give up what I have now for what I had then, because I am filled with things that are WORTH my time...

And they are something...actually mine.