The February Letters

The February Letters

An Explanation about my blogs...

As of January 16, 2010-

Love Song is officially closed.

I'm sure people that do blog, sometimes wonder why I don't just keep changing and updating ONE blog as opposed to starting a new one every month. But after I wrote "Passion and Picture Windows" in November, it held so much emotion that I could not go back to it, to write in or read. It was a gift to someone's eyes that fell short somehow...and part of me, to this day believes there is a high possibility it went unread completely. But it was between his eyes, my words and my hope to God that he would read it and it would be enough. It was-my soul.
If you want to find me...I am still lingering in those words somewhere. Those are the compositions I am the most proud of. They are pieces of me that are too painful to look back on and explore-they will never be reopened because I'm not that strong. Nevertheless-I leave it up, hoping this November, I'll be courageous enough to reflect.

But I couldn't continue it.

I consider these, compositions. At the end of the year...I will end up with twelve different pages (14 if you count the two from 09). After November, I decided I don't want the chapters to bleed-I want them separate, and sacred.

"Under the Tracks" is small. It was my recovery blog...it's like catching your breath again after you've had it knocked out of you. That's why there are only a small amount of compositions in it-but it is complete in itself.

"Love Song" has been the blog that I've enjoyed writing the most. Though some of the works are melancholy...it carries the hope of love in it-and it invites February in.

The last songs I leave on my blog are significant to how I felt as I was sealing them.

"Passion..." plays The Fray...our song.

"Under the Tracks" plays Coldplay a song of melancholy recovery.

"Love Song" plays "Oceans Away" by The Fray for reasons of my own.

I hope you've loved my writings like I love you!

And I hope you'll love my upcoming works; as I am so excited about getting started!

This is what days were made for!

Stepping Out

Today,
I want to start my life.
I feel like I've been on pause for forever now.
I'm so sick of pausing.
I'm ready to play the leading lady.
And begin.

I prayed for this.

Today, while I was sitting on the couch reading, cozy-with my warm fuzzy dogs at my feet; sipping tomato soup through my lips...I had a moment of realization. As I hit the chapter of Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat Pray Love" that I love the most-it made me reflect on a moment, six months ago where I was laying in bed with beads of sweat rolling down my forehead and my neck; making the back of my knee caps stick to my sheets that I fumbled around with trying to get comfortable in-ignoring the thought rolling around inside my head that was making me want to cry out to God-or yell at him in a state of extreme rage.

Gilbert has an experience that is similar to this in the beginning of her book. She's living in New York in suburbia with the perfect house, the perfect husband, and the perfect career-something many women; many people, would envy-or look up to...or assume that she would and should be happy with.
Still, on this night, she's curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor-crying over the fact that she's not happy; that she's not in love with her husband anymore...that she's 31, and should want to have children...but can't dream of a nightmare any worse.
Repeatedly...she thinks to herself "I don't want to be married anymore..."
It haunts her because she feels she should be grateful...she's been successful in all the ways that the world sees success but her spirit is broken and her soul is empty.
At the end of the chapter...she starts to pray (for what seems like the first time) to God. She acknowledges that all the things that may look "right" in her life...and are "supposed" to bring her happiness-fall short compared to what LIZ actually wants; what is actually right for her.
Throughout the book she journeys through three countries to break away from what has happened, to fulfill her soul and learn about herself. And because of this book I am inspired to do some similar exploring, as best I can-right here at home.

That night for me, was miserable...in my head I knew that God was calling me to do greater things than what I was filling myself and my time with. Angrily, I fought Him. I tossed and turned and hot tears streamed down my face...and I was livid; that my plans had not worked out for myself. I am a huge planner...and in many ways...I felt like I already had it taken care of, even my life beyond high school. I was determined to be with the person I was choosing whether we were right for each other or not. It didn't matter that I'd lost myself along the way...pining for he and his friends acceptance, or forgetting things I loved (like Gilbert did) like God, family, friends, writing, art and just giggling like crazy. It didn't matter that I wasn't Jade anymore...because I had him and everyone was quick to say I was making the right choice even though I knew in my soul something was wrong.
It's the craziest thing in the world when that happens-when heart and head go fist to fist and you don't want to accept the fact that what you THOUGHT you wanted doesn't REALLY fit your SOUL...and what you NEED is one step away...one step that takes a million miles to reach.
And I loved him.
Liz says it well...something to the effect of "I loved him and couldn't be with him him equally..."

It was the hardest decision I've ever made-and I'm sure, by now, it's stolen every tear my body has been able to produce.
I miss him always. I do believe that I've never loved anyone like I loved him-
or perhaps...like I loved the idea of him.
But the first thing I will admit, is that I have often sold out that girl that had the courage to leave...just because I often lay in bed at night missing him. I look at all the good now...instead of choosing to remember that night-where it took God fighting me to convict me, and make me realize-I couldn't LIVE that way anymore. That even in the good times...I wasn't really HAPPY; because I had lost myself-in searching for him...I lost myself down so far and so deep there was no way to go but out to truly find and be able to BE MYSELF again.
We weren't meant to be.
I just wanted, and often still wish...
We had been.

Either way-
The prayer I prayed that night was direct...and real.
It took everything in me to utter the words that I said:

:"GOD PLEASE-
Give me the strength to leave him, to not love him anymore...I can't find him anymore...and I can't find YOU anymore. GOD PLEASE...give me the strength leave. Prepare his heart, because mine is breaking at the thought of it. GOD PLEASE...if we are not right-build walls...because I love him too much to escape this. GOD PLEASE give me the strength to leave...the right words to say...if this is not right. God please change my will...make him right for me...I love him God PLEASE! GOD PLEASE DO IT FOR ME! I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T! I CAN'T! I CAN'T!"



I think in so many ways we follow our brains instead of our hearts. Our souls always tell the truth. It is our job to listen.

I love you today.
I love you tomorrow.
I am certain I will always love you.

But I had to do this,
To feel God again,
To feel me again.
And to give you the chance to feel too.


And even though I miss you every moment...

Today I acknowledge that I did the right thing. Maybe just for today...maybe for a lifetime...maybe only until tomorrow remains this truth that we were supposed to be apart. We both have places to grow...and wounds to heal and our own selves to complete.

I pray that you complete yours to the fullest.
I hope you've learned as much as I have.
You still have my heart.

But today...I know we must travel alone. And I can no longer ignore the fact that...

I asked for freedom...and in freedom there is always the pain of growth; but I KNOW GOD-and he WILL make it worth it in the end. That was HIS promise...when he fought me that night.
And the truth is-


Whether I want to admit it or not-


I prayed for this.

I'm convinced tonight-

That I did what I did with good intentions,
A good heart-
And a soul full of faith.

I chose to leap into uncertainty
And though I felt the force of gravity-

I didn't hit the ground.

I traveled to this place-
Praying to God the whole time,
Hoping he'd keep me strong.

And even in my moments of sorrow,
And rage.
My knees buckled beneath me...
And I prayed-

And it's led me here.

And I know here is good...
Because I AM cracked,
And I AM weak...

And I AM broken.

But He is strong,
And I don't have to be.

He will hold my head when it is heavy-
My hand when I am empty-
And will lead me through these tangled fears
To the other side of

Everything.

And when I am with Him...

I know that his will is more perfect-
Than the plans I made for myself...

The plans that I was so heartbroken
That He wrecked.

The broken dreams that I am now so grateful for.

God,

Please wreck the plans I have for myself
Over and over again.

Humble me...
Help me strengthen my faith...

Let me feel your miracles-

And in my mistakes-your grace.

Help me...


Grow with the peace that transcends understanding...
And not fear the future,

And find comfort in knowing-
I am in Your hands-
And Your perfect will.

Best Friends.

Today will not be a sad day.

I refuse to live another.

I have Emerson,

And Dickinson,

And acrylic by my side.

I have the warmth of a close friend,

Family,

And above all those things-

God.


So today-
Will not be sad.


It will not be empty...

I am done with empty days.

And I refuse to have another.

I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea, and at last wake up in Naples, and there beside me is the Stern Fact, the Sad Self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from. -Emerson

My work

The day I miss the most.

What he'd have to be.

1. He'd have to be spiritual-and know God not only as his savior-but as a friend.
2. He'd have to walk with him everyday, and agree to have a relationship together in Christ.
3. We could agree to disagree on some aspects of politics, but he'd have to be pro-life no-matter what.
4. He'd have to be able to appreciate art and my passion for it.
5. Music would have to be more than a passion with him-it'd have to be a piece of his soul, as it is a piece of my soul.
6. He'd have to know Emerson and Dickinson.
7. He'd have to only wear dark wash jeans.
8. He'd have to smell like heaven...like home.
9. He'd have to put family above all things.
10. He'd have to appreciate hazelnut syrup in a hot cup of coffee.
11. He'd have to know how to just sit in silence next to me, when I need to feel him and the world...he'd have to not put words where words were not needed.
12. He'd have to fight passionately for the things he loved...and never settle for mediocrity.
13. He'd have to be ambitious-and enthusiastic about changing the world.
14. He'd have to love me even when I'm emotional or anxious or in my fits of rage.
15. He'd have to love to read the paper.
16. He'd have to be close to his mother.
17. He'd have to love his dog and want to take him everywhere.
18. He couldn't be a cat person.
19. He'd have to have eyes as deep as the ocean.
20. He'd have to have a strong work ethic.
21. His hands would have to wrap around mine.
22. He'd have to love just sitting in front of the lake-in our bluejeans, counting stars.
23. He'd have to love to watch me paint-and it would be amazing if he painted too.
24. He'd have to be passionate about either art, or philosophy or literature.
25. He'd have to love to go out and dance dance dance.
26. He'd have to love to stay in and do nothing but hold my hand.
27. He'd have to fight for me to stay when I threatened to leave.
28. He'd have to stay.


29. He'd have to stay.

Ode to Malicious Me.

I am amazed at how some people say

That I am malicious.

They point their finger in accusations,
And most of the time,

I just cry and beg for forgiveness.

And granted-

I do have a temper on me,
Sometimes

Anger rages through my stomach
In the night

And I can't sleep.

But most of the time,
I take the brunt of things I've never even done,
And just endure it

When malicious things really are done to me.

But honestly-
I'm one of those people
That always check myself...

I strive for the greater good...
And I'm willing to apologize if I've been wrong.


I long for God to slap me on the wrist-
To break my pride and tell me
That I'm in the wrong,
And I need to change my life.

Very rarely-
Do I ever believe I'm right about anything.

Infact I punish myself over and over again,
I dwell in guilt
And think of
What I could have done different.

So it's amazing to me-
That people can say
I am

Mean
Or
Malicious-

Especially when they refuse
To see the things they have done.

And I am willing to.

I guess I have a big personality-
So I'm easy to blame.


And I guess I'll take it...

Because no one has the courage
To look inside themselves.

Dear God,

Give me the peace that surpasses understanding tonight. Because I am as tired as I am weak and my head hasn't slept in days-though all my body does is nap the sorrow away. Let my heart find you in this chaos-and lead it to what is just and right. I know in your time all will be brought to the light.
I just need resolve and peace tonight. Because my heart is being broken by the things I can't control.

This I may lose

I may lose your
Sweet sighs

As I pull you tight and kiss your neck.

And I may lose
The way your fingertips
Molded slow into mine-

And made me whole.

I may lose-
Your comfort on a cold night,
The way your feet felt rubbing up against mine-

And the way you loved me
Kissing
And whispering in your ears...

And me,
With my fingers through your hair.

I may lose your eyes-
That are the same color as mine,

And the chance that you will ever know-
That I love you endlessly.

I may lose you to someone
Who will never

Feel your soul-
The way I danced in it-
With every color surrounding me like
I was your missing piece.

And you were mine.

And I swear I can still smell you
On my hands sometimes.

And I may lose that too;

But I have to believe
There was a reason for it all.

To teach us things we do not know.

And maybe in the end-

You'll see that I was the only one...

That could love you this way.

Your presence
Drenched me
Like a sonnet to my soul...

Leaving sweet kisses on my skin.

And I searched for you in the sheets of
My bed last night-
Not separating night from dream.

And I reached under my
Pillow and held it tight to
Breath you in,

But all I found was
Emptiness-
Where comfort had always been.

And I reached for my phone to
Call you-
But I stopped and remembered slow;

I was dialing a number that wasn't mine to know...

And dreaming of lips that I have kissed-
But since reject me so-

And sick and
Sat are
The heartbeats in between...

That pull me down and drown me low.

I am lost.
And weak and empty-

In these foreign nights without you
Now.

Tonight I

Refuse love.
Maybe someday-

I will want it again.

But tonight it wasn't worth the
Risk.

Slowly and again-

I can feel myself slipping further and further back down into my couch. I don't know how it happens. One moment I'm on cloud nine, feeling empowered and hopeful; over it, even. Then the next...I dream of your scent, and wake up with my face buried in my pillow...only smelling mine; without you.
And some nights-
I swear I'm suffocating. And I wake up, and my chest is tight-my jaw is clenched and there is nothing but sweat on my neck and warm tears seeping out of my eyes and drenching my cheeks. And on those nights-desperation floods my head and every inch of my heart; my soul, my body-every ounce of me. And I am tempted so badly at two a.m. to call you and grovel again- not for words, but just to hear your breath on the other end.
And I remember that night I did and how it led me nowhere. Because you are a coward and I am a fool. And the words "I love you" did not come-but the words "I don't," never arrived either and...what I would have done for the second? Anything.
With every fiber I long to hear those words sever me...and shatter me. Because then I can mend myself-but the anticipation in my stomach burns holes through me; and I can not see straight in longing for words I will never hear and answers I will never know.
And my soul was in every ounce of the words I poured into your cup; and with no air I begged at your feet to breath into me. But you did not. You took my words, and took her in. And I couldn't conceive of how you could be hers if I am still yours.
And I am.
But because you don't want me, and this couch does-it's where my loyalty lies when I'm not strong enough to beg you anymore. It cradles my head after I'm tired of groveling my fingers to forget the way your hair felt between them and your lips felt on my skin-and the way you smelled on summer nights; when I was everything to you.

And you gave me up so easily...
For someone else...
But I'm not that strong.

And while you use her as a crutch because you're too afraid to find yourself and follow your heart-
I'll use this couch.
And who knows...maybe if I pray hard enough,
I'll disappear.

That Which Leaves

You are that which
Leaves me
Here

In hollow sheets-

Where throat gets
Raw
And fingers numb
From crying
So much-

And chest
Feels like it's being
Beaten down from the
Inside

And neck is heavy
And back is
Sinking into
The sorrow down beneath.

And loneliness engulfs me-
And I am nothing
But
Empty.

Come in With the Rain by Taylor Swift

I could go back to every laugh
But I don't want to go there anymore and I
know all the steps up to your door
But I don't want to go there anymore
Talk to the wind, talk to the sky
Talk to the man with the reasons why
And let me know what you find

I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
to call your name
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

I could stand up and sing you a song
But I don't want to have to go that far and I
I've got you down, I know you by heart
And you don't even know where I start
Talk to yourself, talk to the tears
Talk to the man who put you here
Don't wait for the sky to clear

I've watched you so long
screamed your name
I don't know what else
I can say

But I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
for all these games
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

I could go back to every laugh
But I don't want to go there
anymore..

To her.

Today,
I lay my saber down-
You've won.

You've torn apart
The only heart in me-
You've taken
Everything-
Gladly.

And why-
I don't know,
Because I have never
Wanted to strip you
Of anything.

Yet you've stripped me of living.

You've stripped me of joy,
And hope,
And faith...

And always-
I am the one,
Who's wrists are slapped-
Begging God to make me see
Things with an honest heart;

And begging him to help
Me forgive you,
Because I don't want to be mad
At you.

Because YOU were MY friend.

And I've always thought the world of you.
And admired you.

And feared you-
Because for whatever reason,

I was the competition you sought;
A game that wouldn't play back.

So take him.
My heart-

Take them-
My friends.

Take your honors and awards;
And your writings,
That are better than mine...
And your job,
That was mine first-

And do it better than me.

Because obviously-

It is your purpose in life to show me
How I fall short
In my own life.

Show me-
What I could have done-
To amount to your
Intelligence,
Your bravery,
Your personality...

SHOW ME

How your love could be
BOLDER
and RICHER
and more VIBRANT
Than MINE.

And I will be glad that you could give him something I couldn't.

Show me how your letters to him-
Draw tears,
How a second in the wrinkle of time-
Can mean more than years
With me.

Because if this is truth-
If this is love that you've found
Together,

I could never be sad or angry-
Or stand in the way of it.

But question I do-
That you have nothing but spite in
Your heart;

Which tastes like honey,
But is poison all the same.

I LAY my SABER down
Today.

My jealousy...
My sorrow
My rage-

For an explanation of why
You feel like you can give what I could not.

Just words-
I beg of you;
Show me HOW
Your love is better than mine-

When you've done nothing but
Inject me-
And I've done nothing but choke it down.

Please show me-
The HONESTY in YOUR heart.
The respect you have for me...
As I have said nothing to you-
But kind words...

Even behind closed doors.

I bite my tongue in respect
FOR YOU.

So show me-
Today,
How your heart
Is more valuable than mine-

How your character is better...

You've won.

I just would like to know where I fell short-
In my place.

Heartsick

And broken
And sad

And all I want is you to wrap up
In

Like the home
You used to be.

I did something

Yesterday,
That I am quite proud of.
I stopped myself before making a huge mistake.

I decided I wanted to take my life back
As we pulled on to
24th and Robinson.

I decided-
I wanted to take my job back.

I mean it was my job first-
I worked there before both of them did.

And I valued my job more than he ever has.
I loved the people there,
And how it made me feel.
It was something mine-
That I could be proud of.

And the fact that something terrible has happened,
Should not keep me from pursuing the things that I want.

So I went-
And I applied.

My friends were so excited!
And so was I-

I thought I was doing a good thing;
I felt accomplished,
Like for a moment-
I could control the situation,
And being in control-

Meant not being intimidated by them.

I could picture it in my head-
Just smiling and being sweet;
Even in the face of them.
Keeping composure,
Not being sick to my stomach-
Just
Being Jade.

But the truth is...
The decision was rash,
And my gut knew that was not realistic.
It was just what I wanted to believe...

And I'm so over going with what I want to believe-
Instead of what I actually believe but can't accept.

Did I really want to go back for the right reasons?

It was a great job-yes,
But,
Ecclesiastes says everything has a season-
And God has made it clear everything about that season
Of my life is over.

Was the job really that great?
Or was it just looking better all the time-
Due to spite?

Then I realized-
It is impossible-
In this situation,
To not have a spite slithering around in my belly.

And that's not good enough for me.

That is what separates me-from them.

No actions out of spite are justified.
And I cannot accept the feeling of spite in my own life.

I refuse.

So-
If the call comes this week-
I'm going to have to tell them no.
Which will be hard...
Because I love all of them so much.

But going back is impossible-
It's like forcing the hands of fate.
And I'm tired of fighting fate.


If I run into him...
I want it to be because God put him in my path
By fate
Not by my hand,
Not by force.

And some part of me would be going back
Just to see his eyes everyday...
Hoping he'd give me release by saying
The one thing I
Begged him on the phone that night to say:


"No Jade...I don't love you anymore."

The Beauty of Faith

At 2:57 this morning, I received a message from one of my best friends-who has been helping me cope with many of the demons I've been struggling with in my life.
His bout of inspiration brought upon words, that I desperately needed to hear-over something I can always comprehend-but have trouble applying to my life.
But I think all humans do.

Endlessly, we battle with the things we can not change in this life. We focus on yesterday, and the patterns that led up to our current catastrophes, or we habitually preoccupy our time with fears about tomorrow.
As Tim put it last night-after the endless 'What am I going to do now?' questions that I've posed over the last few months:
"I guess in the end though it really isn't up to us.
Sure we can make a ripple in the stream but the water
will continue on its way, not even slowing to acknowledge
the disturbance. As a pebble makes a ripple in the stream,
so too can we make waves in the sea of fate, but as all things waves too must
eventually come to an end."

It's like ECCLESIASTES 3:1-8 guarantees; there is a season for everything under heaven-a time for all things...and all things must end. But in endings, sprouts a new life that we must allow to take place...as said in Isaiah 43:18-19.
We have no control over where the ripples that we make in time end up. We can manipulate the sea-but in the end...it is still the sea; and we have no control.

We are terrified by that, but it is, without a doubt the most beautiful thing about this life. God put us here to teach us to have blind faith in him. And we become frustrated when we find no certainties in tomorrow-we get angry when our plans for our life fail. But the TRUTH IS-certainty would be incredibly painful.
With certainty comes the elimination of fear, yes-but also the elimination of faith. With certainty-the sweetness to savor in this life would be gone. Dreams would be obsolete-ambition, would be pointless, hope would have no meaning, the thrill of rising from disappointment; would never occur, pain would not exist-therefore bliss and euphoria would be unheard of.

The thing that we are the most irritated by-the thing we fear the most, the thing we spend every second of our day fighting is the thing that gives our lives purpose-the thing that shapes who we are...the thing that separates the brave from the cowardice-the thing that gives us individuality, beauty, and hope for tomorrow.

Without the challenge of uncertainty-we are less human-and with that thought stems my belief, that pain should be celebrated; because for one thing, in suffering we are the most blessed-because God carries us...but ALSO because pain is one of the glorious reminders that we have no control-and in that lack of control; is the miracle of the mystery of this universe.

Only You...

So today-

My horoscope-
Was wrong.

It most always is,
And I should not put too much stock in it.
But I can't help it.

When I have bad days, and then I read it...
It's always right...

Maybe other virgos have both good and bad
Days...

Maybe Jade...just has bad...and worse.

Tonight is not one of those nights...

Where I can be strong.

It's not one of those nights
That I can feel like I'm better
Without you-
Even though my head knows I am.

Tonight is one of those nights
Where my spirit is broken
And it's hard to breathe-

And when I try-
I'm forcing my chest to go up
And down;
With this huge boulder on it...

And some part of me wants to
Stop trying and let it take me;

Let my demons have me-
For a little while.

And I'm amazed at how-
They lure me in so,
Promising they'll make me Closer in a way-
To you-


So I would rather risk it,
And would rather pay the price
And hang my self up at the door
And be demolished-
Once again-

If it meant I could be near you
Just once.


Because tonight is one of those Nights

Where I miss your heartbeat-
And feeling your chest go up
And down-


And I'd sacrifice mine for yours.

Something New

You know-
My year began in August, and ended in December.

Because up until that phone call...
I'd been on autopilot for years.

You know those moments that rock you
And leave you with no breath?
And the floor starts spinning,
And you double over in disbelief...

And you can feel the gravity pressing down on your head,
And your neck-
And your back feels like it's about to crumble?

That was one of those moments.
And it took every ounce of me to keep standing,
And I pressed up against the floor,
As my knees started to buckle--
And I succeeded;

Though my weight was yanking me down
To the floor-
Silently.

And I don't believe I've ever been stronger than in that moment-
Or in the several long
Sonnets
Of moments
That followed-

Where sadness ate hunger,
And loneliness became a friend-
And the void filled up the room...

And silence-
Had so much volume;
That it came crashing down
And made me physically ill.

And I stayed in bed for days,
Until the sheets became a part of my skin,
And my breath was every thread of navy blue-
And the fetal position
Was the closest I had to disappearing...

And I begged God to let me,
But he didn't.
And every long walk through the somber fall leaves...
Left me
Exhausted...

And my world went to sleep.


Until he came,
And light was everything-
And everywhere and all of me;
And friends
Danced along my windowpane,
And warmed my face-
Like angels-
Kissing freckles too;

And the ice that trudged into my shoes

When winter came

Was not cold enough to keep out the
Warmth,
Of this new life.

And even in the saddest seconds
Where I would think of you,
And breath would stop breathing
And emptiness ensued...

They too were quickly taken;

And I'd thank God because he saved me.

Because in those four months,
Existed every emotion of this life,
And I drank them up like dew-
Because of the desperation that had for so long
been thriving in my belly-

And all I wanted was to feel
Whatever was in front of me...


Sorrow Rage Disbelief,
Emptiness, Loneliness, Desperation,
Rage, Helplessness, Empowerment-

And life-Radiating from every inch of me.

And in my soul; and all my bones
Was reality,
Washing me,
And priming me-
And painting me with this world that I never knew-
Until that moment
Where my vase was shattered,

And I spilled onto the floor
And free of you-

And I felt

The world,
Happiness, Euphoria, and the ache of a mending wound.

And now, Looking back-
August to December is all I really knew.

Because up until my loss,
The only world I'd found-

Was the
Incredibly Intriguing,
Yet endlessly disappointing

Facade---
Of You.

That's what friends are made out of...

Dear God,

Thank you for
Clear nights
Good friends
And a beautiful family.

Thanks for the suprise today;
It meant the world to me!

So I'm laying here

In this bed
And I can't sleep
And I miss Zac tonight-
And that never happens anymore
Because he's the last thing I
Try to think about.

It only brings me down...

But sometimes-
In the quiet
Night.
Breath leaves me-
And I can't avoid it.
I remember the way his
Hands felt in mine;

The way he smelled-
His laugh.
And for a moment I forget
That the person I'm
Wishing I could hold,
Is the person who
Does nothing but
Hate me,
And want to break me.

I love

Girls' nights
With Cici.
She's my best friend ever.
I love her!

Why can't

I just have normal skin?

That doesn't pick random moments to hate me,

And embarrass me terribly?

I would trade my pretty feet for normal skin.

And my cool irises.

Ulagh.

I am. Disgusting.

I wish you

Would ask me to.
I would if you would ask me to.

What I want

I want country music, and stars.
I want the soft glow of the lake
And crickets humming sacred sonnets in the grass.

I want chocolate milk, and warm brownies-
I want a porch swing.

I want the clacking of shutters
When the wind blows,
And the songs of soft spring showers
Leaving whispers on a tin roof.

I want,
Tranquility,
Curled up
With you-
Under a flannel blanket,
On the sofa.

I want your laugh.
And the sounds of your fingers
Touching guitar strings.

I want a cluttered pantry-
And my favorite pair of Levis.
I want to argue with you,
Passionately...
And love you up
After we've forgotten what we're fighting about.

I want the sound of laughter
To wrap its arms around me-
And whisper forever in my ears.

I want to bathe in
Lavender bath salts,
And have footy pajamas to
Fall asleep in.

I want a bird feeder,
And a bird bath,
And a garden.

I want a wrap around porch,
And to feel the morning under my feet-
When I wake up-
Early enough to catch the sunrise-
While you're catching fish.

I want your hands,
And your voice,
And your curls-
And the way you smell;
To touch my finger tips,
And hold my head at night.

I want to dance with you
And feel the grass underneath my feet,
And see nothing-
But you-
And Oklahoma night skies.

I want to taste home in my
Lemonade,
And breathe it in as it glides in
Off the water.

I want to learn
How to do brave things,
Like use a shotgun,
Change a tire-
And hang up on my father.

I want you,
To use your hands to show me.

I want to spend Christmases with
Your family,
And mine...
And so much family...
That we take up two dining rooms.

And I want-
An apple tree,
That I can make pies from,
And an apricot tree-
To make jelly.

And I want to feel you there,
In your pickup truck-
That smells like leather
And good cologne;
That feels like home.

I want...
Love that is the forever kind-
With you.

Jade the Flower

I am Jade the flower.
I am vibrant,
And beautiful,
Happy and alive,
Imperfect,
Brave,
Elegant,
Goofy,
Exciting
And
Brilliant.
I like politics,
And coffee.
I know how to pick out a good book.
I'd much rather have a pair of Levis,
Than a pair of designer anythings.
I love cowboy boots,
And acoustic guitars,
And feeling acrylic paint gush
Between my fingers.

I lose in love terribly,
And often.

I rebuild myself
With lofthouse cookies
And bubble baths.

I have OCD,
And must have everything in it's place...
I deliberately keep a messy room,
Just to deny the severity of my disorder.

And sometimes, it makes it hard to sleep at night-
Do to the clutter,
And chaos.

I have a hard time embracing myself...
But would like to as a new years resolution.

I wear a size ten.
And I feel prettier than when
I wore a size four.

I have a great butt.
I really do.
But you'd never know it-
Because I don't wear anything that fits.

I'd rather be comfortable.

I dream of having two english bulldogs
Someday-
A boy and a girl.
Fred and Ethel.

Sometimes,
I have dreams
Where I am naked in public places,
And it makes me
Wish...
I could be naked in a public place.

I could live off of chocolate milk.
And when I had my wisdom teeth
Taken out-
I did for three days.

I have been in the love that they write
Books about.
And even that heartbreak...
Was worth the world to me.

I have said "I love you,"
And lied so well-
That even I believed it.

I have been a bitch.
And said horrible things-
That no one should ever hear,
That would make your hair curl;
That would make time stop.

I believe in homeland defense.
And I would vote Bush over Obama.

I hate Nutsi Pelosi,
And The Beatles.
And liars.

I have accepted that my father and I
Will never be friends,
But that's okay-
Because I have my Poppy,
And he's more of a man then
Ten of the strongest,
Smartest,
Men combined.

Sometimes,
I get a wild hair-
And want to join the Marines
And go to war.

I would fight if drafted,
I would want a flamethrower.

I am 5'2
And I'm shaped like a boy.

But I always smell
Like the deepest breaths of Autumn-
Like home.
Amber, and Japanese Cherry Blossom.

I love fancy boxer shorts.
And socks.
And pajamas-

And I hate the word
"Panties"
It is such a pansy word.

I love Christ like a friend.
We've been through everything together.
I believe,
You can sit in church your whole life
And never know God.
I found Christ,
Under a quilt;
While I was in the fetal position.
I find Christ,
In every brush stroke;
In my back yard.

We've fought together.
We've cried together.
We've celebrated together.
And in everything-
He is my savior.

I like to gamble.
But I'm bad at it.
I used to gamble with Kyle.
But that was before it
Happened.

It being the best thing that ever happened to me.

I've found cutting losses
Helps growth
And silence has more power
Than bullets.

I will run for governor someday.
And if God wills-
I will win.

And when I do...
I won't live in the Governor's mansion,
But out in the country-
In a house,
With a tin roof-
A wrap around porch...
And the smell of him to
To wrap up in.

That's another thing.
I love him.
And he doesn't see me yet-

But he will.
I'm not one of those girls...
But I am Jade the flower.
And that's all I ever want to be.

I have a new

list of goals and resolutions that I have to start before the new year.
I think they are things I should have taken care of years ago, but until now-have never really had the courage to try to achieve them.
There are the obvious ones that I write down every year-that everyone writes down every year, but these are the ones that need to happen; ones that go deeper than "losing ten pounds" or always vowing to wash behind your ears.
These are mine.


1. Find God.
2. Stop trying to control my life
3. Learn how to trust people
4. Stop being afraid of love
5. Look at the bright side when plans fail
6. Learn how to have faith
7. Be a better friend
8. Listen more, talk less
9. Don't make promises that I can't keep
10. Stop wasting time on people that will never love me, and celebrate the ones that do.
11. Find courage
12. Learn how to turn off the cell phone
13. Start taking bubble baths
14. Let Go.

What I love about you...

I love, the way your hands look-when they are on the steering wheel, and the way you look over at me, in the passenger seat, when we talk-like I'm somebody. And when your eyes meet mine-they are all I need; every color, every blue and green and brown, and they bring me to life. And I want to stand there and explore them, until I'm so close to you that I kiss your lips...accidentally.
And I love...your curls, and the way they come to life around your face, underneath your hat and how soft you are; like home. Your hands could swallow mine if you held them, and I would let you if you reached for them, and I wish you would.
And you don't put words where words are not needed. Your lips say everything when they are closed and smiling at me.
And when we laugh-we laugh hard, and it's real, and I feel it in every inch of me; reminding me that I still can laugh, and you're the only person I want to laugh with. And the sadness is gone, and it's like it was never there in the first place.
Your laugh is soft like a whisper or a heartbeat. And when I catch my reflection as I listen to it-I see how much softer, and brighter and alive I look; and my eyes glow, and I am beautiful with you.
If I could just stand there-and breath you in...that'd be all I ever need, because your smell-makes my heart hum and my cheeks blush and my lips curve into a smile. And I adore you...just being with me.
I love your character; how you work for everything you get...and you don't take advantage of the people that love you. I love how you love God like a friend, and it shows in everything you do. I love how every time you look at your Mom your brow gets soft and it's like you haven't seen her in days...and you embrace her. I love how you value your family-how they come first with you...
Your simplicity is like a song that I want to let surround me.

I love you naively, with no expectations, no worries-
All I need is you, and me-in the passenger seat.

And in this passionate unrequited love...

I love how you bring me pieces of myself
that I never knew
were missing.

And so...

it ended.

As all good things do.

On to the next set of dashed hopes...

God,

please help me understand through and through, the things I don't want to accept-and overcome them.
Help me
Give you
Total control-
Help me let you wreck my plans
And give me something so much greater-
In yours.

Help me let go of what I want-
So you can give me what I need.

Kicking Over Sandcastles

This morning, I sit in contemplation, as always-analyzing everything; picking situations apart until they are lifeless.

I keep forgetting to take my herbal supplements that curve my OCD, to where my brain calms down like I've bathed it in red wine and I can smile and everything is right with the world.

I secretly hate them. I really do, AND I hate how relieved I feel when I take them-it's like I'm telling myself "Here Jade, take your NORMALCY pills-I'm saving you from being a total monster without them."

Am I a monster without them?

I hate them.

I feel like...if this is my brain, taking any sort of herbs or medication is lying. That's dumb, I KNOW. Everyone looks at me weird when I say that, but I don't want to paint an excellent picture for people when in the end...all they end up with is me.

PAUSE TO BASK IN HOW WARPED THAT IS.

onward.

I don't want anyone to expect that I'm good, because in reality...I'm a complete basket case. That's the truth. That's MY secret.

Or maybe it's not. Maybe MY secret is that I'm wonderful and I can love you...until I have no love left in my body...I'm just afraid to,

and if I can act like a basket case, and have justification for it-because of my "disorder," people won't want to get close to me. People won't want to come in and kick my sand castles over...just like they always do.

If I can maneuver and make relationships fail before they start...then I don't have to worry about the bottom falling out when people leave-because they always do.

I think it's easier to live life in this box than to love people the way that I love people.

When I fall in love...with people...it's never good. I give my whole heart away like a child-I fall fast. I am naive...and in order for the relationship to succeed; I over compensate for all the things they DON'T do...because I just want them to stay with me-even if I'm miserable with them, like I was with Zac.

All I really wanted-was for him to stay.

So to keep him there-I would call...I would plan, I would say the romantic things. IT WAS MY JOB-I was doing what it took to keep OUR relationship alive. I gave up everything to make him love me. I gave until giving ran out...three years later. And look at the respect that got me in return. Here's some dirty laundry for ya'-

he's dating someone I thought was one of my best friends.

But I'm passed the point of surprises. That is what is even more sad. I don't expect anything more from people than to mutilate my heart. I've lost a LOT of faith in love...and have been hiding out; protecting my soul from any meat grinders lately.

What is so disturbing about this, is I've always been a worrier-but never so dependent on others for happiness.

I feel like after my Dad left, I just PINE for people's approval. I will put myself through the ringer just for a nod of the head, or a smile.

I am pathetic.

And then...there are certain people, that come in, and take my breath away...

and it's as if, the second faith enters-

I build a web of questions and expectations

to trap it, and kill it.

I am the most complicated person you've ever met.

And he'd be crazy to even consider loving me back.

Because he's the most peaceful person I've

ever seen.

My name is Jade

And I'm happy.

I wish I was still

Next to you,

Watching you smile,

Laughing with you-

Smelling you;

Aching for you to see-

Just how badly I was wishing for you,

To wish for me.

I can't wait

To be with you today.

I'm counting down the hours until I can see you.

I guess

You just move me that way.

Somtimes...

Sometimes what you thought makes you

happy-

turns out to be wrong...

And you find, what really makes you HAPPY...

Was there all along...

The Guitars at Gilliam

Are not for Doug to Touch.

I beg it not to be this way...

But then I beg it to...

And when I look at you,

And your curls,

I ache to wrap myself

In a new adventure...

Where passion is right

And real-

And in motion when

All the stars are still.

And wrapped up

In you-

I want to be courageous;

In love,

And brave.

And my heart begs

That loving you be the right way-

Though my head maps out all

The possibilities of failure.

Like it does

Always...

As if it expects the bottom to fall out...

But I guess it always has--

Meanwhile knowing that,

When my eyes trace your fingertips

And your arms,

And your neck

And your mouth-

I feel right again-

Like before all this happened.

And your

Blue

Ocean

Eyes

Fill me up like water

And wash all the sad away.

And it's my eyes that you look into-

Not this other person's

That I've been running from-

In my own room.

Mine-

And it's my ambition you see-

Not his, or theirs.

Me.

The dreamer.

And in these forevers,

Was the certainty that there was something

Broken

In me-

Because I couldn't feel the wind

On the back of my neck-

Or the sun kissing the freckles on my cheeks.

But when I can stand close to you-

My chest next to your

Arms,

And my stomach next to your hips-

I can breathe you, in secret

And fall in love with your lips

And your smile-

And

I'm home...

Again-

Finally.

And everything broken-

Mends.

Amazing Alyssa

Alyssa is the friend that suprises me the most. I can always count on her to say the most unexpected, funniest thing anyone can think of.

Sweet, blinky, and beautiful-no one would ever expect the suprises she always has in store. Real and genuine; I could depend on her for anything, especially to tell the truth.

She is graceful, and wonderful in everything she does.

Her smile is exciting and brilliant!

She is trustworthy and honest; dependable, comical-wonderful!

She fits with us perfectly; like a puzzle piece!

I would be so much less me, without-her.

My darling Doug

My Doug is one of the sweetest people I know. He is 14, he's our baby, and we love him.

Even though Doug is the youngest, he's the bravest out of all of us. He gives his heart away when he falls in love, he is not afraid to feel things from his nose to his toes.

He is light-hearted and real.

And when he laughs, my heart beats faster.

His young sweet spirit keeps us alive. He's like a breath of fresh air. And he is wise beyond his years.

He is soft, and simple, and he calls to make sure your heart is okay. He has so much to offer, and brings joy to my soul every day. Anyone who has Doug's love...will be lucky.

And I am lucky...because I have him.

My soul sister Cici

Cici is my soulmate.

I can't explain how close to my heart she is, because there are no words.

She is the friend who's hugs I love the most. And I love to see her smile.

She is by far, the strongest person I know; she's like a warrior princess-fierce, strong, beautiful and full of light.

When it seems like there is no hope in love left...or when I lose sight of who I am, or when I cannot grasp my self worth, I look at her and how she loves me, and I know that I am special.

Always wide-eyed and excited; she captivates people. She's short, like me, and everyone asks if we are related.

Sometimes I think we are the same person.

She is a much younger, yet much older version of myself.

In some ways-I take her under my wing, because I'm the oldest, like a big sister; and I think I have it all figured out.

But in so many ways, she teaches me how to live and never lose joy in the world...

and most importantly-

to never lose faith in others.

Her wisdom is beautiful, and her words are always there to build me up.

Her love is the greatest love. It is sacrificial; it expects nothing in return. And she is loyal. No one can keep a secret like Cici can.

The best nights are when Jon and I are sitting around the campfire with her, listening to her music.

It's those nights,

when we are filled with cool air, night stars, and acoustic guitar...

that I feel the closest to God.

And I am so lucky that He's given me...

a miracle

like her.

She is my soul sister.

My best friend Jon

My best friend Jon Quiver is the most dependable person that I know. He's always on call-and he's always at the door any time the sadness comes and it's too hard to handle.

I'm convinced that God sent him to me, because I needed someone that would sit with me, when I haven't showered in days and my face is stained with mascara from tears; someone to tell me that I am beautiful even without brushing my teeth...in all my moments of imperfection.

Jon is perfect that way though. Even though he plays around a ton and says outlandish things; he is one

of the most accepting people that I know. I think one thing that a lot of people don't see about Jon is his depth. He's so goofy and sometimes his mouth gets the best of him. But in quiet moments, when we're all alone...star-gazing, or sitting on the couch-he'll say something simple and real, and it will be the most profound thing you've ever heard.

His family, is my family, and mine is his...and when I'm at his house I'm home and I don't have to live up to any expectations. I am cradled in love.

And when we go places...

We have fun. Jon makes me laugh like no one else.


And we never fight. People would be suprised...because both of our personalities are so big. But I think when you're as close as we are...there's nothing to fight about. We pick at each-other. We put each-other in our places. But we never talk down to each-other. We always construct...we never tear each-other up. We're too good for that.


In ten years...

nomatter where I am...I know he'll be right there with me.

I know people say that...and this time last year, I thought my friends


were the forever kind. But this time...it's different.

We are the type of friends that don't need anything but each-other's presence.

We can sit and paint without speaking for hours on end...and we're still having the time of our lives.

We don't HAVE to get dressed up to see each-other.

No makeup.

No showers.

Just reality and truth.

And in everything...




We are there for each-other...nomatter how small the jam.

We spot each-other without question.

We buy each-other ice cream and air fresheners.

We comfort each-other after a bad day.

We help each-other clean.

And we play for comic relief...

in the street and the parking lot...and in Target...

like children. We scream. And chase

each-other. And we laugh. laugh. laugh...together.

We battle Christmas shopping crowds at the mall...

And traffic...

lost love...

and loneliness.

We have all we need when we are together.

He is the light of my heart.

He is my best friend.

Thank God

for clear nights, good friends and Spaghetti noodles.


At the end of every journey there is a lesson. At the end of every heartbreak...there is a reward.

At the end of my tunnel-
I found

love...

The love in my life; I've been looking for.